This week I have been trying to make inroads into my ever-growing pile of books on equality and diversity. Motivationally speaking, it helps that reading lends itself much better to soaking up the spring sunshine than answering emails does.
A long standing tenant of my shelf has been ‘Quiet’ by Susan Cain. Actually, I ‘borrowed’ it from my husband’s shelf but I’ve had my eye on it for ages! The subtitle is ‘The power of introverts in a world that can’t stop talking’, which drew me in immediately as a self-identified introvert.
What is an introvert or extrovert?
The book takes a close, well-researched look at what defines an introvert or an extrovert, and examines the ‘Extrovert Ideal’ – the rise of the outgoing, energetic personality type as the ‘preferred’ way to live and work. Cain identifies that the introvert – extrovert scale is one of the few that most psychological models of personality agree on. The term ‘introvert’ can include a constellation of attributes: reflective, cerebral, bookish, unassuming, sensitive, thoughtful, serious, contemplative, subtle, gentle, calm, modest, solitude-seeking, inward-facing, shy, risk-averse, thin-skinned. Conversely, ‘extrovert’ can include: ebullient, expansive, sociable, gregarious, excitable, dominant, assertive, active, risk-taking, thick-skinned, outward-facing, bold, light-hearted, happy in the spotlight. Being identified as an introvert often has negative connotations, while extrovert is often seen positively, especially at school, college or work.
The ‘introvert-extrovert’ scale is of course not the only story, and people may not be exclusively at one end or the other, or may behave differently in different circumstances. Personally, I’m fine giving a talk to an audience, and in fact relish the opportunity, but find making small talk at parties with strangers frustratingly challenging. The ‘introvert-extrovert’ spectrum can also be coupled with other scales such as ‘openness to experience’, ‘conscientiousness’ and ‘neuroticism’ for a more nuanced picture.
As children, and often into adulthood, introverts are often (but not always) ‘high reactors’ to stimulating environments and seek out quiet spaces. Conversely, extroverts are often (but not always) ‘low reactors’ to stimulating environments and seek out ever more stimulation.
Relationships, socialising and personal characteristics – gregariousness is optional!
Human relationships make both introverts and extroverts happy but “gregariousness is optional” as Cain puts it. She recommends that introverts think of quality over quantity when it comes to friendship. For introvert-extrovert couples, it’s important to respect your loved one’s need for solitude (if they are an introvert) or socialising (if an extrovert) and come to a compromise to achieve balance.
When you encounter an issue, extroverts are apparently less upset than introverts if someone is angry or aggressive about it – extroverts see this as confirmation that the person is passionate about their cause, but an introvert will be put off by it.
So how do we spot an introvert or an extrovert among our friends, family and colleagues? It may not be that easy. Some people act like extroverts but behind the scenes, it costs them energy, authenticity and even physical or mental health to suppress their true, introvert selves. If someone seems aloof and withdrawn, they may still be keen to be social underneath, but in their own way.
Introverts tend to dislike large crowds and having multiple shallow, small-talk style interactions. They prefer conversations with smaller groups at a deeper level to discuss issues, feelings, thoughts and ideas. At a party, you will probably find them in the kitchen, in deep discussion with one or two others over the chips and dips, rather than schmoozing their way across the dance floor. For good mental health, introverts should carve out restorative niches to recharge after events that drain their energy. In contrast, extroverts should seek out stimulating spaces that energise them after solitary activities (important to know in our lockdown times).
Work, careers and advice for managers – the power of quiet
The key to success at work should be to play to your strengths. However, introverts may literally struggle to make themselves heard over louder, more outgoing colleagues – back to the ‘extrovert ideal’ again. Managers should remember that one third to one half of their staff are natural introverts, although they may not appear that way due to having developed extrovert work personas.
Ideally, introverts should use their powers of persistence, concentration, insight and sensitivity to focus on work that they enjoy and find meaningful. It’s especially important for introverts to pursue the jobs, pastimes and activities that they actually enjoy, rather than the ones they think they should prefer. I spent years early in my career trying to be successful in environments that valued vocal, outgoing, sociable personalities over quieter and more introspective ones (me). Eventually, I realised that I didn’t actually have to change myself to match my job – I could change the job to suit my personality better.
Of course, introverts can often behave in highly extrovert ways for causes they passionately believe in – they ‘lose themselves’ in the moment, carried away by their enthusiasm. Cain recommends finding training to help give you confidence in areas that you find daunting, such as networking and public speaking, to develop an extrovert persona for when you need it. She suggests making a deal with yourself on how many networking, social or other draining events you will attend before you allow yourself time out to restore. I do this all the time at conferences!
In the office (if you can remember what it is like to spend lots of time in one of those since COVID-19 reared its head), introverts do not appreciate open plan spaces or big social work dos. They find open plan offices over-stimulating and draining and may underperform in them if they don’t have quiet places to retreat to. It’s worth bearing in mind that extroverts find single offices and lots of solo working under-stimulating and may underperform in that environment too. However, introverts will under-perform more in noisy environments than extroverts do in quiet environments. Managers should remember that stimulating, communal spaces do more damage to introverts than quiet ones do to extroverts.
Cain showed that introverts slow down their decision-making in high risk situations; extroverts tend to speed up, which may compound mistakes in areas such as finance or banking. Introverts will think deeply, strategise, solve complex problems and foresee problems or risks ahead of time but can struggle to make their opinions heard over more extroverted colleagues. Managers should also beware of ‘Group Think’, when groups may align to the opinions of the more frequent or early speakers, who may not offer the best solutions. Ensure everyone solves problems individually first before getting together to discuss them and make sure the quieter, more reflective staff are heard without criticism or impatience.
Don’t equate eloquence and verbosity with intellect – there is no association between extroversion and having the best ideas!
Interestingly, research shows that proactive teams will perform better under introvert leaders, perhaps because these leaders are more inclined to listen to other people’s ideas and are less inclined to impose their own. However, passive teams may perform better under extrovert or charismatic leaders as they provide clarity on what is needed.
Children and education – the difficult early years
For those with introvert children, you may be frustrated that they don’t seem to enjoy the activities you think they should – birthday parties, sleepovers, team sports or family gatherings. You might feel that they are ‘missing out’ on the fun things in life and be keen to encourage them to fit in with their peers. Bear in mind that for some children these occasions can be painfully daunting and even damaging to their self-esteem in the long term. Of course, they don’t have to miss out forever. You can encourage introvert children to get used to new situations and people gradually in ways that make them comfortable – ideally start as young as possible. Encourage introvert children to socialise with a few close friends at first, rather than large crowds and always ask them before you set up social occasions or let them leave a bit early.
Try not to force it or you may cause a lifelong aversion or trample on the early seeds of confidence!
Parents should role model behaviours and let children know about similar struggles they may have had at school themselves. I often tell my younger son how shy I was at school but describe how much easier things got as I grew up (very nearly true!). Most of all, let introvert children be themselves and take pride in their originality, thoughtfulness and focus. Don’t make them be what you think they should be, or try to turn them into you.
At school, teachers should not forget to draw out their quieter students. Working in small groups rather than large ones will get the best out of them, especially if they are given a specific role such as note taker or rapporteur.
In particular, introverts may struggle at school as teenagers, when their talents for thinking deeply and developing ideas are not appreciated compared to the ability to easily vocalise and socialise. As a parent, it’s tough to watch them struggle through these difficult years, but comfort yourself with the thought that they are likely to be more successful later in life, when their ability to focus on long term goals and deal with delayed gratification will pay off.
KatieGee 