anxiety – KatieGee

This week I tuned into a webinar from the British Dyslexia Association with Amanda Kirby on managing you and your child’s wellbeing. Given how I’ve been struggling with my new joint role as my son’s 1:1 learning assistant combined with remote office worker, this seemed like essential listening.

Professor Amanda Kirby describes herself as a medic, academic, entrepreneur and parent of an adult with Dyspraxia, Dyslexia, and ADHD. She is also the CEO of a fast expanding computer educational and work-based profiling company (www.doitprofiler.com)

Amanda opened with a reassuring message to all parents. “Remember what you are not is a teacher, SENCO, IT technician, clinician, speech and language therapist or occupational therapist. You are a parent, and a super one.”

For those of us bouncing between ‘school’ and ‘work’ time at home, Amanda reminded us that children don’t have hours and hours of 1:1 contact time with teachers during classes anyway. “Half an hour working with them on school work is doing well!” she told us.

Managing anxiety

Elevated anxiety levels, whether in you or your child, do not make learning any easier. We should ask ourselves what makes our child anxious in normal times and try to remove these triggers. We can create a low emotional arousal setting for them using things they like, such as favourite foods (assuming you can get hold of them), well-liked music and comfortable clothes. At least we can say goodbye to the scratchy tie and blazer combo for a while.

Amanda compared our overall stress levels to a bucket, which gets filled by drips (day-to-day irritations), dribbles (feeling unwell, sourcing food) and gushes of stress (family illness, threats to income, huge changes in routine). Normally, there is also a tap to drain stress from the bucket, but with fewer ways to let off steam or distract ourselves outside our homes, these release mechanisms have been drastically reduced. More stress in and less stress out can lead to an overflowing bucket.

Physical symptoms of this overflowing stress bucket in adults can include being in a fight or flight state all the time, sleeplessness or feeling overtired, aches and pains and many more. Excess stress has similar effects on a child. They may become more clingy, have tantrums, worry or talk all the time, go silent, relapse to bedwetting or experience tummy pains, headaches, wakefulness and panic attacks.

Amanda recommends the approach that Dr Russ Harris takes in the Happiness Trap. He uses the FACE principle.

Focus on what is in your control – manage your home and workspace, work and leisure activities, stay connected by phone and online
Acknowledge your feelings
Come back into your body (stand up, press your feet to the floor) so anxiety does not overwhelm you
Engage in what is around you (be present, look at what’s in front of you)

Create a daily structure

Structure is important in chaotic times. Plan out a timetable for each family member and put it where everyone can see it. Make sure you differentiate between the week and weekends in some way. If both partners are working from home, could you agree shifts for childcare and take turns? Starting your work earlier or later and doing blocks of a couple of hours is another option.

“Most importantly, show your children you can enjoy yourself, even in these difficult times,” said Amanda. “Plan your days and create a structure or timetable for chores, meals, fun and shared evening activities. There are other ways to learn apart from schoolwork. Weave some maths into cooking for example.”

While establishing a routine is important, do adjust it if you’re tired and step back from the timetable if you need to. Ignore the fake perfection of other people’s routines on social media!

Dealing with worries

If you are tense, your kids will mirror your emotions. Reduce arguments in front of your children and hold family meetings with older children to keep communication lines open. Try to avoid talking about corona or checking the news in front of the children. Be kind and give them some leeway, especially older children who will be really feeling the lack of friends and peers.

Younger children might like a worry box where they put their worries for you to remove overnight (don’t forget like I keep doing with the tooth fairy though!) You can build an anger volcano with Lego or papier mâché and talk about how you feel when you’re ready to erupt. Create a helping hands tree where they write the names of adults who they trust and who will help them.

Activities to try

There is an overwhelming range of ideas for activities online (some resources are listed below), but think about going back a stage and do the fun things you used to enjoy together. Many activities can be done with very little in the way of resources.

Shared games and activities e.g. Lego, jigsaw, board and card games, cooking together, reading a book
Create a project together e.g. family history, family song
Growing seeds e.g. from an apple
Teach a new skill e.g. sewing, knitting, crochet
Learn a song e.g. abba
Baking
Carpentry
Drawing
Write to a pen pal
Cardboard inventions
Tie die T shirt
Yoga class at home
Projects for teenagers e.g. video diaries, blogs, vlogs

The importance of sleep

A good bedtime routine is vital for managing stress and there is a real risk of teenagers turning daytime into night and vice versa. For younger ones, try a bath with lavender oil, read a story, use a weighted blanket or tuck in bedclothes firmly to make them feel safe. A regular bedtime for them gives you an evening too! For teens, try a warm drink, white sound to help get them to sleep, audiobooks and avoid screens at bedtime (adults also take note!)

For parents

As much as you can, focus on the here and now. Be kind to yourself, share jokes, watch comforting programmes on TV – streaming services have never had more on offer. Could you get into photography or a new craft? Listen to music you love and watch old box sets. Have one glass of wine (but no more or it will upset your sleep pattern!)

If you are really struggling to focus, then sort things! Put the Lego away, tidy cupboards, potter in the garden, clean. It brings you back to the here and now.

Teen angst

For teenagers, these are the years when they form their identity and go through puberty. Peer-to-peer interaction becomes much more important to them – and this has just been taken away. Teens are also going through changes in their brains which mean they can act without thinking, struggle to organise themselves and experience emotional dysregulation.

Respect their space and privacy as much as possible. If they have a shared bedroom, put up a sheet to create private space. Try to give more leeway than normal – remember, they are very worried about the future. Leave the door open for communication and just keep trying if it doesn’t work at first. Allow them to stay in their room, but make sure they are safe online and aren’t experiencing cyber bullying. Do eat together to coax them out of their room from time to time and prevent them living entirely off junk food. “They will probably try to take their stress out on you!” cautioned Amanda.

The website Young Minds has ideas to help, for example making a self soothe box.

And finally, don’t forget your pets! They can also get anxious when you do, so look after them and take them out for short walks with you during your daily exercise.

Top tips to remember